A very long expression

This was originally written on May 5th.

I am currently sitting on the couch in the living room in the apartment of a man I love outside of his bedroom while he is sleeping. Why you ask, am I not inside? Because it is 1:45 am, and I blatantly frustrated with him. I am staying here for 2 weeks and it is only night 2 and I already can't sleep because I have too many thoughts about this running through my head. It is hard to sleep next to him at night, when I have so many questions that I want answers to, and so many things that I just can't say. I need to find a way to get past this just for these weeks so I can get through this without crying every night, or showing my frustration. While the lack of answers is the bane of my frustration, I cannot be mad at him, or let him know I am mad, when I can't even ask the questions.

Since the start of this relationship is has been nothing but complete and utter gray area. The only black and white in this situation is me knowing that I have such completely true feelings for this person to tolerate and attempt to embrace the gray.

The first night we met, I thought he was a complete creeper. He looked absolutely crazy to me. We were at Magnetic Field, a bar in Brooklyn, one weekend before it was closing, on it's last Reggae night. I was laughing with my friends at a drunken skinhead with a Tweety Bird sweater circa the 80s dancing, and so was he. He came over and attempted to make note of this. I was making faces at Jenna while he wasn't looking, suggesting "SAVE ME!". When he realized he didn't have a sure in with me, he attempted to befriend Jenna's former man friend.

Adventually, I opened myself up to talk to this man, after a few drinks and my friends had left. He made alot of promises, like a lot of guys do, but for some reason I believed him. And when I told him I had to tell him something that would make him run, he took off his ripped up running shoes. He drove me home, and I awoke to a text message from him. We started talking via text and he wanted to see me that day. I was intrigued but still not convinced that I was interested. I told him I couldn't hang out and he made me promise to call him before I went to sleep, but somehow he convinced me to meet him in Willamsburg. But instead of meeting him in Willamsburg I accidentally got on the same subway car as him on the way there. We went out, but then decided to go to his house. I don't know why I stayed there on night 2, but I did. I am fairly sure that was the first night we spent up all night holding each other.

I went home that day, but he wanted to see me again that night. He came and picked me up and we drove into Manhattan to eat. We ended up at some Middle Eastern place that I was convinced was closed. He must have realized we had some crazy connection that was rare because he told me that he had a best friend back home who he thinks he might be in love with and didn't know where it was going because they only kissed twice but didn't want to get involved with someone because of that.

My first reaction to that was to be very unreasonably angry. He didn't understand why and asked me if I was falling for him already, and I said no. Which even at that point was a lie. I wanted to run so badly, but my legs were frozen into my seat, and for the first time, something made me open up to this and stay. I reasoned with myself to stay and see where things would go, and to let them be organic. We left the restaurant, and walking down the block he stopped me and asked if I still wanted to come over for the night and that he would be respectful, and I couldn't say no. I stood there in the middle of the sidewalk and hugged him so hard because I was very scared of the unknown, and to feel this out of control connection with someone I just met.

I kept staying over. And kept spending time with him. And for the first 10 days I knew him, we saw each other at least once a day. I opened myself up to alot of love, and alot of fear and unknown. He did many sweet things for me, and we spent a million hours in his apartment, very much into each other. He called out of work one day and made me pancakes, and sometimes he would suprise me with something he knew I would like, that was silly, mundane but thoughtful. That's just the person he is. We stayed in bed alot, and waved off the world. He called me Yoko on many occasions, and I truly believe I am supposed to be that to him. We built a world that was one big inside joke to us, a little world that was just me and him, and it is the building of that world that is causing so many problems because it is being brought to my attention through my own observation, that we are rarely brought out of that world in an affectionate way.

Not to say that we don't go places and do things, we went to the movies last night, and explored Midtown after weeks of making fun of it. But he is rarely affectionate in public. Yet sometimes he does things that I would never expect him to do, like at lunch last weekend with his friends when my cup had no more water in it he said nothing and poured water from him cup into mine and winked at me from across the table. It is the battle between things like this which make me unable to tell if we are becoming stuck in a friends with benefits zone, or if it just hasn't gotten to that place yet because we are unable to have a relationship until things are figured out on his end.

In someways I am sure I am being naive about this whole thing, and have set myself up for alot of heartache, but on the other hand part of me really knows this will all work out. And on the slim chance that it doesn't, I have a least learned for myself that I am capable of loving fully and selfishly which is something I have never been able to do. I have learned to love without choosing who I wanted to love, and without being attracted at first. In the end, although it pains me to not say anything about how I feel, I have let this run itself very organically and let itself go whichever way it was intended to be. Maybe that is the greater lesson in this all, I really don't know.

Whatever it may be, I know I have learned alot from this experience and although my outlook on the situation sometimes causes me to be uncomfortable and pained sometimes, I know I at least need to keep it together until he comes back from his weekend at home. I know he is going back to see her, and by that time he should know what he wants to do. Regardless, he needs to know at that point how I feel because right now I have too much of this built up inside. Maybe we will end up for each other, maybe not. But I think maybe it will, just because the world is crazy enough to let the two of us find each other.

Not every relationship is an idealized situation, or one that we imagined for ourselves, but I believe if you let love run its course organically it will turn out how it is supposed to be. I will try to keep that in mind at all times. I know that we are both free spirits, and I've said it before, and I will say it now. I do not want to tie down that spirit, but just know that it feels the same way as mine. And I will be at peace with whatever situation we may come across when I know that.