Escape-ism

Instead of going to Boston/Maine this weekend with him, I ended up at a friends in Orange County, NY.

We were going to go away for the weekend because he never heard back from his friends who we were supposed to visit.

Yesterday, he woke me up and asked if I wanted to go to Target with him, the whole time we were out he was acting rather strange with me. When we got home we were laying on the bed and he tried to talk to me about this whole situation. He explained to me that his roommate came to his work on Friday upset about the whole thing, and told him that I thought he was using me. He kept persisting with me and wanting to know what was going on with me. He told me, "You know what my situation is, and I'm just not available that way".

Hmm... it sure didn't seem that way when he was pursuing me, asking me to see him everyday, calling me Goddess, and calling out work to stay in bed with me, and most of all referring to me as Yoko.

Regardless of that, I was very upset by him even bringing this up. I told him it wasn't the time to talk to him about it and I was going to get upset. I proclaimed that I was leaving and I got up and started to put my boots on.

Well, he wasn't having any of that. He told me not to go, and that if I stayed we wouldn't have to talk about it. So I layed back down in that hell hole of a room. Laying there, I was helpless to do anything but cry. I didn't want him to be aware of my crying so I stayed in my silent hell and let the tears roll down my cheek. I wanted to so badly to say everything I've been dying to say since I found out about this other girl. But I didn't. I let my thoughts eat me up inside. I could no longer lay on that mattress with him and I needed to talk to anybody. I grabbed my laptop and went on the couch with it, in an attempt to find someone to ease my mind.

I started talking to a few friends and soon enough he came out on the couch with HIS laptop trying to hook up the internet. He finally was able to get on when I noticed out of the corner of my eye, he was waving at his screen. I asked him what he was doing and he said webcaming. I saw female hands on the screen on his computer, and without a face I knew it was her. He got up to move his computer to the table and I saw her face. That ugly face. This makes me wonder if she saw me too. I bet she did. But I wonder if she knows who I am, and that he's really been in bed with me these past months. She can wake up next to him on a computer screen, but I can be there in real life.

The glimpse of her, and seeing him foolishly grinning at his screen was enough for me to handle. He had gone beyond disrespect at that point, and I was absolutely heated. I have never felt myself so enraged to the point that I wanted to take that computer and smash it into a million pieces, similar to what he is doing to me.

I was able to talk to Jenna, and she offered to let me stay there for the night, which is just what I needed. I told him I was leaving and I got on the 9:27 train to Otisville.

About 6 stops into the journey to Otisville, the train came to a complete stop. We had hid a trespasser and killed them. The train was delayed and I did not get to Jenna's until 3:30 in the morning.

It seems to me that every time I try to escape from this crazy man and situation, the world doesn't want me to. It's as if the world is telling me to deal with it and to stop trying to run away. So, I am going to deal with it the best that I can in an effort to save innocent trespassers.

After all of that excitement I was able to talk to Jenna pretty logically and she made me feel alot better, and it was quite exciting to trade skyscrapers and subways for blue skies and green grass. I needed very badly to get out of this asphalt jungle. It cleared my head quite a bit, and now I can attempt to make the best of this situation until I am ready to write him a letter, which I've decided is my chosen course of action.

God help me get through this week. I can't wait to hang the ridiculous picture Jenna and I bought of Michael Jackson today at the Flea Market in our new bathroom.