Wonder days

So totally was possibly one of the best days I've spent in New York.

I started by going up to the Bronx for work, which wasn't work at all, since we were having a garage sale. That was pretty slow so I met up with a new friend at Battery Park, joining him on his photo excursion. This was the first time I went to Battery Park, let along walked around in that area of Manhattan.

It was beautiful, and I have definitely been missing out on things by not adventuring in that area. It's sad to think that I have lived in New York for the better part of a year and have not explored certain neighborhoods. I guess it is something most New Yorkers take for granted because they think they can see it anytime.

So we walked from Battery Park to the South Street Seaport, which is another area of the city I haven't been to. Considering it was a nice spring Saturday evening, this area was crowded with tourists, which was okay with me, it felt very alive. The streets were beautiful cobble stone and everyone looked pleased to be there.

Finally we got near the Pier, and I saw Pier 17 which had been something I had eyed up from across the river in Brooklyn many times. I am pleased that I got to see it, and it one thing in New York I can't believe I never took the time to look at before. The pier reminded me of New Jersey, and it was a beautiful spring moment, and for a small moment I felt connected with the overcrowded city I often feel disconnected with.

From there I met up with Jenna, Josh and his sister near St Marks to get Burritoville. We then walked St Marks which was completely overcrowded with tourists. From there we headed to Little Italy since Josh's sister is in town from Michigan and has never been to New York.

I have to say, Little Italy certainly impressed me tonight. It went from Italy to Jersey Shore within a 3 block radius. Street vendors were selling typical Boardwalk food, and I felt like I was at home.

That was a wonderful way to end the night, that and Strawberry Cheesecake.

Dear Facebook and Myspace,

I am sending you a letter of complaint.

This is because I have reason to believe you are part of the cause of some relationships problems.

Yes that's right.

You give us ample room to spy and learn information we should otherwise live without, or get discouraged over the ability not to spy with private profiles. This is absolutely ridiculous that I have to get my anxiety up over some stupid online babble, that may or may not be true in the real world. And in which I don't have proper context to even take it into.

Okay, so you are not completely to blame for relationships problems. Sure I don't have to partake in such activities, but can I blame my culture for my wanting to?

Probably not.

Regardless, this overwhelming plethora or lack of information makes it seems impossible sometimes to talk about these issues in real life. They provide a barrier in which not to cross in fear of fucking up, while these things go unspoken. Which is just as terrible.

I need to just sit on my hands to prevent them from wandering the web in hopes of gaining a days update on my situation.

It will be what it will be, and maybe it will be nothing since I can't confront anything and I let internet psychobabble get to me.

This is terrible that I (a relatively smart girl, with an o.k. head on her shoulders) should invest so much time into such nonsense when I can be doing much more productive things.

Well I don't know how much more productive I could be at 2:32 am on a Tuesday... but surely I could be planning more productive things?

I need a vacation from the internet.

Greetings from Alphabet City!

Well, I've been here at my new place since Saturday.

It is absolutely wonderful, and everything I expected. I feel like my life is a vacation, I am very stress-free currently.

He came back today and sent me humorous text messages, and I feel fine. I am not too worried about how things will work out like I used to be. Right now I am going with the flow and I have other things in the world to be enjoying.

I feel like Grandma was right and him going away for the weekend has been a blessing, I feel no pressure about it because I was able to get a break from it.

My house and neighborhood are amazing. I've dreamed of living in this neighborhood since the first time I became interested in New York as a child. I can't believe I am doing the things I've always wanted to do.

Life is great right now, I will post pictures of the apartment soon :)

Things to remember

As a photographer I feel it is important to photograph all of the time to keep me aware and in tune to the world.

It is also important for me to photograph recreationally, and not just for work and school. I started a self-assigned project of snapshots a few weeks ago, they are from color disposable cameras, and these photos are on the second roll I took. Just glimpses from my life, things I want to remember.

My first room I ever lived in, in New York... this was taken after moving out my things.











Strawberry Fields in Central Park on a Friday afternoon. A friend of mine and I try to go here every Friday. This just happened to be 1 of many very obnoxious tour groups.









A group of dogs tied up outside an apartment building in the Upper East Side. I watched what appeared to be the owner of these dogs leave them there.









A found chalk drawing on the sidewalk outside my old building in Brooklyn Heights. This amused me because I am a big advocate of chalking for peace.









"Hand Graffiti". These are the tenement buildings of a Led Zeppelin album cover. I went there with him after brunch one day, and this picture ended up having my hand it in.
















I took this on the way to meet up with my friend, it's near his apartment, and my new apartment. John Lennon/The Beatles have played an interesting part in my life the past couple of months...








More soon...!

Don't think twice, it's alright

He left for the weekend and I feel so much better.

I am still in living in his apartment until tomorrow because it isn't ready for me to move into yet. However, he is in Detroit, and I am sleeping in his bed. Well, not yet because clearly I am up writing, but I WILL be sleeping in his bed.

Last night was fun, we joked around and it was nice to end my experience with him here pleasantly. There was some fear I had earlier in the week that it wouldn't end up this way. But fortunately it was a civil farewell, with me still laying bed and giving him a forced hug goodbye.

I will be very sad to see this place go, and I am fairly sure I will feel homesick. It's weird how this place could feel like home from the first night I ever came here, and how it ended up being somewhat of a home for a short period of time. I guess it just feels like home where ever I was with him. But even without him here now, I feel comfortable.

I hung out with his roommate, his girlfriend, and their friends tonight and it was nice. I am going to miss having that. I think my liking for this place is because it is a piece of his life I am heavily involved in. I am not let into many areas of his life, and this is one part that I have worked my way into. Soon the security of this will be gone, thus leaving the question of whether he will choose to continue involving me in his life, or not.

A majority of the time, I question whether he wants me around or not, and living here got rid of that question. If only for a little while because it forced me to be here, and he did not get to choose it. When he has a choice and I am not living here, I will not be around as much, and that scares me a lot.

This has become part of my life, a part that I don't know if I am ready to let go of yet, although I try to prepare myself for it as much as possible. I don't know if I can let him go yet, I don't even have him, but it's the idea I've built up so much in my head that I need to let go of.

The reality of it is, that even though it feels great with him disappearing from this city completely, that isn't going to happen. It's a definite that he will be in some part of my life, and I need to learn to cope with whatever that situation has to be.

It makes me sad that I don't know if I will ever sleep on the Batman pillow again. I have never just hung out with him and not slept here. And I don't know if that is something I can handle yet.

I want to move on from this in my correct mind so badly, because I am afraid that I will not be able to deal with the reality of him and her. If it becomes a reality. And I have enough trouble with the in between. How can I become ready to move on? Should I even move on? What am I even moving on from? Was this a situation to ever be bothered over?

I don't know.

Even photographs don't last forever

Yesterday almost right after I wrote that blog I got a very unexpected phone call.

My friend Steff from back home in New Jersey called and asked me what my ex-boyfriend Jeff's last name was, when I told her what it was, she told me he died.

This absolutely shocked me. I still can't believe that I will never see him again. Two summers ago we were rarely seen apart. I met him at work, we quickly became best friends, and discovered we had common friends.

It's hard to believe someone you knew so well can become someone you don't know at all, until suddenly they aren't there anymore. Jeff was a very troubled guy, who definitely got mixed up in the wrong kind of drugs. And the dirtiest of all the drugs took him from this world. I always tried to do the best I could to keep him out of trouble, that's why some of his good friends and his mother loved me.

But Jeff couldn't handle that, even back then I think he was beyond repair until an accident like this happened. The Jeff I knew he became would have probably expected this to happen, but looking at old photographs of him from then until now it's hard to imagine him ever developing into a disintegrating shell of a human being.

I went back into some of my old photobucket accounts to search for the photographs of him and I. But they were all gone. I must have deleted them out of there when we were having problems. And when I lost all the information on my computer, those photos went too.

It's amazing what I think I would give back, for one more minute with this person I lost so much contact with. And how I would be relieved just to see the photos of us on the screen, even though they are vivid in my mind. Being a photographer, I think the documentation part of photography is part of why I became one, subconsciously. Somehow without thinking about it, I participate in photography to capture moments that I am afraid of losing. Probably because I have lost much, and I believe it to be a tangible way to hold onto things you can't hold onto.

Even photographs disappear. I cannot hold onto things and not live my life. I cannot just document it, and hope that it can live through that. I cannot snapshot and avoid situations. I can't let another day go by without loving fully, and making sure people that I love know that. Whether it is returned or not. I cannot lose another friend while they are here living and breathing.

I am so afraid of just skimming the surface, just existing. But that is all I am allowing myself to do. By attempting to hold onto things, I am holding myself back from life.

Jeff, I cannot say that I knew you so well, or for so long. Because I would be lying. But I can say, in the time that I knew you, I cared for you very much, and their was a moment in time when you were my confidant, my best friend. You were my work buddy, we made an awesome dish duo and had fun slacking off until they put us on seperate shifts. I am sorry that I let so much time go without speaking to you. It's amazing to think that I will never see your face again, when I am so used to it reintroducing itself when I least expected it. I hope you are in a better place, and that you are living your life up there. I will fondly remember you serving me at BK and spilling iced tea all over the floor, until and old man told you to clean it up or he would break his hip. And when we mopped the floor together, met in the hallway and you kissed me. I have much love for you, rest in peace.

I'll probably feel a whole lot better when you're gone

So I'm finally taking the time to write a blog after a few days off, the reason for few days of no blogs is because the internet at the apartment I'm staying at has been messed up. Thus resulting into being unable to run away to my computer and forcing me to socialize, or something like that.

So last night I ended up hanging out with his roommates girlfriend who is a really cool girl. I think this irritated him slightly that I am befriending the people he lives with. I would probably be angry in his shoes, but it wasn't like he was making any attempt to make me feel comfortable, and I really enjoy having another girl around the house.

I will be leaving what I have deemed my Williamsburg death-trap for my new summer sublet in Alphabet City on Friday. I am having extremely mixed feelings about my departure. I really enjoy living where I am living, and oddly enough it feels like home amidst all of the "drama". I have been wondering what will happen after I leave, will I ever come back?

I have to ask that question because I am observing the state of this relationship gone awry. Was it ever even a relationship?

When he gets back to New York from Detroit next week, will he ever even call me?

Maybe that is how out of control I've allowed this to get by putting no boundaries in the first place.

Of course, I know in my right mind he will call me, and I won't be able to stop worrying until he does. That is the truth of the situation.

Somehow it always gets back to me worrying about the next time I see him, or where this is going. What if it goes nowhere? That's the great possibility I am facing.

I have been trying to be as strong as I can in my day to day life with him. I've done this the past couple of days by not really thinking about it. And even while living with him, not really associating with him at all.

Maybe that is just as unhealthy as me running away... not communicating as normal people.

Maybe I am over this, and I don't even want to be with him anymore. My mood fluctuates between that thought, and thinking that I cannot be without this person.

This is so unhealthy.

At any rate, I am probably leaving work soon. I have failed to mention I found an awesome job about 2 weeks ago at this design company that opened about 4 days before I go there. It's in the South Bronx, part of the space is for design, and the other half is still under construction and will be reheresal and recording space for bands. I manage an online store here, and it's a great artistic atmosphere. They are really doing something special for this area, and I am very happy that I get to be here from the beginning.

After this, I am supposed to be heading over to Jersey City to see a guy I went out with a few weeks ago. I met him on the street and he is a location scout for movies and t.v. The first and only other time we went out, we went to the painter Clark Fox's studio. So we'll see how this goes...

Escape-ism

Instead of going to Boston/Maine this weekend with him, I ended up at a friends in Orange County, NY.

We were going to go away for the weekend because he never heard back from his friends who we were supposed to visit.

Yesterday, he woke me up and asked if I wanted to go to Target with him, the whole time we were out he was acting rather strange with me. When we got home we were laying on the bed and he tried to talk to me about this whole situation. He explained to me that his roommate came to his work on Friday upset about the whole thing, and told him that I thought he was using me. He kept persisting with me and wanting to know what was going on with me. He told me, "You know what my situation is, and I'm just not available that way".

Hmm... it sure didn't seem that way when he was pursuing me, asking me to see him everyday, calling me Goddess, and calling out work to stay in bed with me, and most of all referring to me as Yoko.

Regardless of that, I was very upset by him even bringing this up. I told him it wasn't the time to talk to him about it and I was going to get upset. I proclaimed that I was leaving and I got up and started to put my boots on.

Well, he wasn't having any of that. He told me not to go, and that if I stayed we wouldn't have to talk about it. So I layed back down in that hell hole of a room. Laying there, I was helpless to do anything but cry. I didn't want him to be aware of my crying so I stayed in my silent hell and let the tears roll down my cheek. I wanted to so badly to say everything I've been dying to say since I found out about this other girl. But I didn't. I let my thoughts eat me up inside. I could no longer lay on that mattress with him and I needed to talk to anybody. I grabbed my laptop and went on the couch with it, in an attempt to find someone to ease my mind.

I started talking to a few friends and soon enough he came out on the couch with HIS laptop trying to hook up the internet. He finally was able to get on when I noticed out of the corner of my eye, he was waving at his screen. I asked him what he was doing and he said webcaming. I saw female hands on the screen on his computer, and without a face I knew it was her. He got up to move his computer to the table and I saw her face. That ugly face. This makes me wonder if she saw me too. I bet she did. But I wonder if she knows who I am, and that he's really been in bed with me these past months. She can wake up next to him on a computer screen, but I can be there in real life.

The glimpse of her, and seeing him foolishly grinning at his screen was enough for me to handle. He had gone beyond disrespect at that point, and I was absolutely heated. I have never felt myself so enraged to the point that I wanted to take that computer and smash it into a million pieces, similar to what he is doing to me.

I was able to talk to Jenna, and she offered to let me stay there for the night, which is just what I needed. I told him I was leaving and I got on the 9:27 train to Otisville.

About 6 stops into the journey to Otisville, the train came to a complete stop. We had hid a trespasser and killed them. The train was delayed and I did not get to Jenna's until 3:30 in the morning.

It seems to me that every time I try to escape from this crazy man and situation, the world doesn't want me to. It's as if the world is telling me to deal with it and to stop trying to run away. So, I am going to deal with it the best that I can in an effort to save innocent trespassers.

After all of that excitement I was able to talk to Jenna pretty logically and she made me feel alot better, and it was quite exciting to trade skyscrapers and subways for blue skies and green grass. I needed very badly to get out of this asphalt jungle. It cleared my head quite a bit, and now I can attempt to make the best of this situation until I am ready to write him a letter, which I've decided is my chosen course of action.

God help me get through this week. I can't wait to hang the ridiculous picture Jenna and I bought of Michael Jackson today at the Flea Market in our new bathroom.

Fond but not in love

"Fond but not in love" these are the words my eyes went directly to which are on a Radiohead poster in his room. I had just finished having a discussion about him with his roommate.

My eyes fell upon these words and I feel like it was a message. I have always been curious of the random lyrics on those poster which could easily be applied to our relationship. He is fond of me but not in love with me, but they seemed to have left out the part about being in love with someone else.

Regardless of that, I spoke to his roommate today and he was one of a few people who know the situation who have told me to tough it out. He gave me no false hope just an objective opinion and told me that sometimes peoples minds change, for worse, or for better. He also told me that right now he needs an intimate friend and not a girlfriend, and that his last relationship failed because he was being cornered. All in all he is a pretty easy going guy and needs that within a relationship which I understand and agree with. I have been trying to let this go how it is supposed to go, but last nights drama got the best of me.

After all of the arguing while in bed we were joking around and he made the comment to me that "I need a nice boy". And that about did it for me because all I want is him. He came out to the couch to see what was wrong with me but I wouldn't talk about it. I need to keep this cool, and like his roommate said, show him I am fun and take advantage of the time I have with him. He says who knows what could happen if in a little bit of time we are still hanging out this could turn into something. He also told me that if I really want to make this relationship work that things are going to get tough like they do in all relationships but I need to hang in there.

I was really pleased that I got to talk to his roommate about this, which happens to be one of his best friends here, and I know that they support me.

In addition to that I got to talk to Jenna's grandmother today who is psychic. She had given me some advice on this before but I felt the need to call in her help when I saw the "I love you!" text message the other night. She stood by her word of what she told me last time which is, he is serious about her and things aren't going to change until next weekend when he goes there. Apparently according to her, he is supposed to propose to her and when she won't relocate it will be over. She says that after that happens things will turn because he will start looking at me differently.

I really hope that she is right about all of this. It's getting very tough for me but I know I can work through this and that I WANT to work through this. He is someone I am willing to invest the time into making things work, it is, however, very difficult when you don't have all of somebody's attention and affection.

I am stressed out almost everyday and I need to get myself to relax and learn to not let my world revolve around this. It's only going to be that much worse if things don't work out. But as I've said to a few people, I am so far invested in this that no matter what I do now I will be hurt, I have nothing to left to lose if I've never had him to begin with and I am going to stick this out.

I am fond and in love. Boston/Maine this weekend?
Maybe.

Drama happens at night

So after consulting my mom and a few friends today, I decided to adopt a level-headed, calm plan of action for this whole crazed situation. Unfortunately, life had other plans for me.

I was sitting at my computer when his roommate and his roommate's girlfriend walk in drunk. Again, she decides to have a conversation with me about him, which is completely fine since I value her input and think rather highly of her. She is like having a young mother away from home. However, this time the roommate got involved which was great because he knows him very well and I knew he would have some insight into what the situation was. His girlfriend did not seem to appreciate his input though, and a huge fight broke out between them. This was all while *he* wasn't home yet. She was called his roommate a hypocrite for his objective outlook on the situation, and regarded it as "flip-flopping". His point was that yes *he* is wrong in his actions and if he was really in love with someone he wouldn't be with someone else, and no, I can be at fault for parts because I was aware of the situation and he told the truth.

She didn't seem to like this and this caused a big fight with them and I didn't get to hear the rest of the story. So I will have to talk to him tomorrow.

However, in the midst of the fighting, he came in from work... at 3:30 am. Fortunately enough, he did not hear the fighting, but at this point I was so shaken up by the situation that I had to leave the apartment. I left without saying anything and made a few phone calls to some people who I believed would be rational to talk to, in an attempt to save my sanity and keep me from this amazing alone feeling you can get when you run out of a situation and no one follows.

Apparently this was the cause of further arguements about their morals and how I should not be wandering the streets of Brooklyn at this time of night. *He* finally called me and asked where I was and I told him I was down the street and I needed to talk to someone. I gathered my "wits" and ventured back inside, only to hear them fighting about me still. I pulled her into the hallway as to make sure *he* didn't know what was going on. She assured me the fight had nothing to do with me but on their differing opinions on right and wrong. Then the roommate stormed down the stairs and she decided to leave and I watched her pack her belongings and begged her not to leave me the apartment with the two of them. She went to leave but I assume he just found her, and the two of them emerged back upstairs. Thankfully *he* seemed to be unaware of what was going on this whole time, at this his obliviousness came in handy this once.

There were other more important things regarding our current situation that I wanted to write about before this took place, but it looks like they will be on hold until tomorrow where I am sure I will have some new developments. This drama is taking over a big portion of my life, and they wonder why I am even emotionally "involved". How can I not be with all of this going on around me? These situations don't happen over mundane and unimportant relationships. These couple of weeks are going to kill me. And I was going to try to make the most of them, that was my plan. To enjoy the time I have living with him and show him what love could be like with me.

I will not be sabotaged by all of this, I have to work through it and make it through, happily, the time I have left here. I love this man, and I am going to fight for him organically, if that makes any sense. At least I won't have to because the universe will do this for me I am sure.

It seems to be that I am the only non-living girl in New York since I have no time with all this chaos. Boston this weekend, maybe. I need to develop pictures and get a new disposable camera.

We'll just know when it's right

How do you know when it's right? When it is supposed to be. I say that I know this is supposed to be. But can you ever really know that something is supposed to be.

I bet I will look back at this blog and hate that I even wrote it, and I will wish to god that I could unwrite it.

I don't know that I believe that things are predetermined. I'd like to think that when someone is trying to change the course of events within their life that is just part of plan that was already made. I believe in free will to the extent that our exercise of free will is part of the greater plan.

This is about to take a strange turn and become very off track with the original intent of this blog, but where is he? It's 1:46 am and he said he was "in the Village with Gus". Which means he is with his ex-roommate. My friend was talking to me and being very negative about this whole thing. She seems to think that all men are assholes and they just use us and that he is up to no good. I am fairly sure he is up to no good in other ways, but not in the way of being with this girl he is hanging out with... If that makes any sense at all.

I talked to his roommate's girlfriend last night and she pretty much told me that he isn't seeing anyone other than me, according to her and his roommate. And that before I moved in he cleaned the apartment and his room and was getting ready all day, and she has never seen him do that before. It seems to her that he is afraid, that he must of been hurt by some girl in the past, and that it has fucked him up. She said she talked to him the other morning while making breakfast and asked him what was going on with us and he told her that I knew he was in love with someone back home. From what she told me it pretty much sounds like she told him to get over it because it is unrealistic and it isn't going to happen. She told him that if he really feels that way that he shouldn't lead me on because I am a good girl, and she expressed to me that she thinks he must really care about me or else he wouldn't bother even having me around. Which is completely true. I think that if he had the honestly to tell me the 3rd night about her, he must have realized we had a crazy connection and was scared, and if he just wanted someone around for kicks it wouldn't be me because at this point he cares. She told me that I need to talk to him, and that I have the right to, although I want to wait until he gets back from Detroit, and I would rather right him a letter because I feel like I might cry if I try to talk.

I told her that I was scared about him going there, and she said something to the extent of "For what? What does him going there accomplish?" And she is right, I have nothing to worry about, because for now, they can never be. She is just this fantasy of what he thinks he wants, when in turn he could be afraid to face reality which is me.

I really need to write him a letter and express this, because I am real, I am here, and I am now. And I love him very much, and would love to be the one to be here for him. He needs to open his eyes and grow up, realize that, that is just a fantasy of what could never be.

Come home, cuddle, and eat cheesecake in bed with me please.
Thanks.

A very long expression

This was originally written on May 5th.

I am currently sitting on the couch in the living room in the apartment of a man I love outside of his bedroom while he is sleeping. Why you ask, am I not inside? Because it is 1:45 am, and I blatantly frustrated with him. I am staying here for 2 weeks and it is only night 2 and I already can't sleep because I have too many thoughts about this running through my head. It is hard to sleep next to him at night, when I have so many questions that I want answers to, and so many things that I just can't say. I need to find a way to get past this just for these weeks so I can get through this without crying every night, or showing my frustration. While the lack of answers is the bane of my frustration, I cannot be mad at him, or let him know I am mad, when I can't even ask the questions.

Since the start of this relationship is has been nothing but complete and utter gray area. The only black and white in this situation is me knowing that I have such completely true feelings for this person to tolerate and attempt to embrace the gray.

The first night we met, I thought he was a complete creeper. He looked absolutely crazy to me. We were at Magnetic Field, a bar in Brooklyn, one weekend before it was closing, on it's last Reggae night. I was laughing with my friends at a drunken skinhead with a Tweety Bird sweater circa the 80s dancing, and so was he. He came over and attempted to make note of this. I was making faces at Jenna while he wasn't looking, suggesting "SAVE ME!". When he realized he didn't have a sure in with me, he attempted to befriend Jenna's former man friend.

Adventually, I opened myself up to talk to this man, after a few drinks and my friends had left. He made alot of promises, like a lot of guys do, but for some reason I believed him. And when I told him I had to tell him something that would make him run, he took off his ripped up running shoes. He drove me home, and I awoke to a text message from him. We started talking via text and he wanted to see me that day. I was intrigued but still not convinced that I was interested. I told him I couldn't hang out and he made me promise to call him before I went to sleep, but somehow he convinced me to meet him in Willamsburg. But instead of meeting him in Willamsburg I accidentally got on the same subway car as him on the way there. We went out, but then decided to go to his house. I don't know why I stayed there on night 2, but I did. I am fairly sure that was the first night we spent up all night holding each other.

I went home that day, but he wanted to see me again that night. He came and picked me up and we drove into Manhattan to eat. We ended up at some Middle Eastern place that I was convinced was closed. He must have realized we had some crazy connection that was rare because he told me that he had a best friend back home who he thinks he might be in love with and didn't know where it was going because they only kissed twice but didn't want to get involved with someone because of that.

My first reaction to that was to be very unreasonably angry. He didn't understand why and asked me if I was falling for him already, and I said no. Which even at that point was a lie. I wanted to run so badly, but my legs were frozen into my seat, and for the first time, something made me open up to this and stay. I reasoned with myself to stay and see where things would go, and to let them be organic. We left the restaurant, and walking down the block he stopped me and asked if I still wanted to come over for the night and that he would be respectful, and I couldn't say no. I stood there in the middle of the sidewalk and hugged him so hard because I was very scared of the unknown, and to feel this out of control connection with someone I just met.

I kept staying over. And kept spending time with him. And for the first 10 days I knew him, we saw each other at least once a day. I opened myself up to alot of love, and alot of fear and unknown. He did many sweet things for me, and we spent a million hours in his apartment, very much into each other. He called out of work one day and made me pancakes, and sometimes he would suprise me with something he knew I would like, that was silly, mundane but thoughtful. That's just the person he is. We stayed in bed alot, and waved off the world. He called me Yoko on many occasions, and I truly believe I am supposed to be that to him. We built a world that was one big inside joke to us, a little world that was just me and him, and it is the building of that world that is causing so many problems because it is being brought to my attention through my own observation, that we are rarely brought out of that world in an affectionate way.

Not to say that we don't go places and do things, we went to the movies last night, and explored Midtown after weeks of making fun of it. But he is rarely affectionate in public. Yet sometimes he does things that I would never expect him to do, like at lunch last weekend with his friends when my cup had no more water in it he said nothing and poured water from him cup into mine and winked at me from across the table. It is the battle between things like this which make me unable to tell if we are becoming stuck in a friends with benefits zone, or if it just hasn't gotten to that place yet because we are unable to have a relationship until things are figured out on his end.

In someways I am sure I am being naive about this whole thing, and have set myself up for alot of heartache, but on the other hand part of me really knows this will all work out. And on the slim chance that it doesn't, I have a least learned for myself that I am capable of loving fully and selfishly which is something I have never been able to do. I have learned to love without choosing who I wanted to love, and without being attracted at first. In the end, although it pains me to not say anything about how I feel, I have let this run itself very organically and let itself go whichever way it was intended to be. Maybe that is the greater lesson in this all, I really don't know.

Whatever it may be, I know I have learned alot from this experience and although my outlook on the situation sometimes causes me to be uncomfortable and pained sometimes, I know I at least need to keep it together until he comes back from his weekend at home. I know he is going back to see her, and by that time he should know what he wants to do. Regardless, he needs to know at that point how I feel because right now I have too much of this built up inside. Maybe we will end up for each other, maybe not. But I think maybe it will, just because the world is crazy enough to let the two of us find each other.

Not every relationship is an idealized situation, or one that we imagined for ourselves, but I believe if you let love run its course organically it will turn out how it is supposed to be. I will try to keep that in mind at all times. I know that we are both free spirits, and I've said it before, and I will say it now. I do not want to tie down that spirit, but just know that it feels the same way as mine. And I will be at peace with whatever situation we may come across when I know that.