Summer in the city!

I have been having a blast the last couple of weeks. I have been starting to write lyrics again, and in addition to that, I've been taking guitar and vocal lessons. I'm really going to try my hand at music this time.

My vocal coach is the coolest chick in the world, and is surprisingly enough getting me to be comfortable with singing around her, which is something I'm never really able to do.

In addition to that, I've been out of work for almost a week because my boss has been working corporate, but I am going back tomorrow. It's okay though, because I've been occupied. My brother and his girlfriend came up to visit this week and we went to the Museum of Natural History. That was the first time I went there. And then last weekend I went home for a couple of days.

I've also been hanging out with some new people, and haven't talked to my pain-in-the-ass guy friend mentioned in my older posts. I believe things are really done with us and I feel free. Not to mention that I think I met someone who could be for me. It's a great feeling.

Also, I saw Rilo Kiley the other night, and they were amazing. And it was very inspiring to watch in my current musical mindset. I can't wait to get very good at the guitar and be able to write the music to all these ideas in my head.

Wonder days

So totally was possibly one of the best days I've spent in New York.

I started by going up to the Bronx for work, which wasn't work at all, since we were having a garage sale. That was pretty slow so I met up with a new friend at Battery Park, joining him on his photo excursion. This was the first time I went to Battery Park, let along walked around in that area of Manhattan.

It was beautiful, and I have definitely been missing out on things by not adventuring in that area. It's sad to think that I have lived in New York for the better part of a year and have not explored certain neighborhoods. I guess it is something most New Yorkers take for granted because they think they can see it anytime.

So we walked from Battery Park to the South Street Seaport, which is another area of the city I haven't been to. Considering it was a nice spring Saturday evening, this area was crowded with tourists, which was okay with me, it felt very alive. The streets were beautiful cobble stone and everyone looked pleased to be there.

Finally we got near the Pier, and I saw Pier 17 which had been something I had eyed up from across the river in Brooklyn many times. I am pleased that I got to see it, and it one thing in New York I can't believe I never took the time to look at before. The pier reminded me of New Jersey, and it was a beautiful spring moment, and for a small moment I felt connected with the overcrowded city I often feel disconnected with.

From there I met up with Jenna, Josh and his sister near St Marks to get Burritoville. We then walked St Marks which was completely overcrowded with tourists. From there we headed to Little Italy since Josh's sister is in town from Michigan and has never been to New York.

I have to say, Little Italy certainly impressed me tonight. It went from Italy to Jersey Shore within a 3 block radius. Street vendors were selling typical Boardwalk food, and I felt like I was at home.

That was a wonderful way to end the night, that and Strawberry Cheesecake.

Dear Facebook and Myspace,

I am sending you a letter of complaint.

This is because I have reason to believe you are part of the cause of some relationships problems.

Yes that's right.

You give us ample room to spy and learn information we should otherwise live without, or get discouraged over the ability not to spy with private profiles. This is absolutely ridiculous that I have to get my anxiety up over some stupid online babble, that may or may not be true in the real world. And in which I don't have proper context to even take it into.

Okay, so you are not completely to blame for relationships problems. Sure I don't have to partake in such activities, but can I blame my culture for my wanting to?

Probably not.

Regardless, this overwhelming plethora or lack of information makes it seems impossible sometimes to talk about these issues in real life. They provide a barrier in which not to cross in fear of fucking up, while these things go unspoken. Which is just as terrible.

I need to just sit on my hands to prevent them from wandering the web in hopes of gaining a days update on my situation.

It will be what it will be, and maybe it will be nothing since I can't confront anything and I let internet psychobabble get to me.

This is terrible that I (a relatively smart girl, with an o.k. head on her shoulders) should invest so much time into such nonsense when I can be doing much more productive things.

Well I don't know how much more productive I could be at 2:32 am on a Tuesday... but surely I could be planning more productive things?

I need a vacation from the internet.

Greetings from Alphabet City!

Well, I've been here at my new place since Saturday.

It is absolutely wonderful, and everything I expected. I feel like my life is a vacation, I am very stress-free currently.

He came back today and sent me humorous text messages, and I feel fine. I am not too worried about how things will work out like I used to be. Right now I am going with the flow and I have other things in the world to be enjoying.

I feel like Grandma was right and him going away for the weekend has been a blessing, I feel no pressure about it because I was able to get a break from it.

My house and neighborhood are amazing. I've dreamed of living in this neighborhood since the first time I became interested in New York as a child. I can't believe I am doing the things I've always wanted to do.

Life is great right now, I will post pictures of the apartment soon :)

Things to remember

As a photographer I feel it is important to photograph all of the time to keep me aware and in tune to the world.

It is also important for me to photograph recreationally, and not just for work and school. I started a self-assigned project of snapshots a few weeks ago, they are from color disposable cameras, and these photos are on the second roll I took. Just glimpses from my life, things I want to remember.

My first room I ever lived in, in New York... this was taken after moving out my things.











Strawberry Fields in Central Park on a Friday afternoon. A friend of mine and I try to go here every Friday. This just happened to be 1 of many very obnoxious tour groups.









A group of dogs tied up outside an apartment building in the Upper East Side. I watched what appeared to be the owner of these dogs leave them there.









A found chalk drawing on the sidewalk outside my old building in Brooklyn Heights. This amused me because I am a big advocate of chalking for peace.









"Hand Graffiti". These are the tenement buildings of a Led Zeppelin album cover. I went there with him after brunch one day, and this picture ended up having my hand it in.
















I took this on the way to meet up with my friend, it's near his apartment, and my new apartment. John Lennon/The Beatles have played an interesting part in my life the past couple of months...








More soon...!

Don't think twice, it's alright

He left for the weekend and I feel so much better.

I am still in living in his apartment until tomorrow because it isn't ready for me to move into yet. However, he is in Detroit, and I am sleeping in his bed. Well, not yet because clearly I am up writing, but I WILL be sleeping in his bed.

Last night was fun, we joked around and it was nice to end my experience with him here pleasantly. There was some fear I had earlier in the week that it wouldn't end up this way. But fortunately it was a civil farewell, with me still laying bed and giving him a forced hug goodbye.

I will be very sad to see this place go, and I am fairly sure I will feel homesick. It's weird how this place could feel like home from the first night I ever came here, and how it ended up being somewhat of a home for a short period of time. I guess it just feels like home where ever I was with him. But even without him here now, I feel comfortable.

I hung out with his roommate, his girlfriend, and their friends tonight and it was nice. I am going to miss having that. I think my liking for this place is because it is a piece of his life I am heavily involved in. I am not let into many areas of his life, and this is one part that I have worked my way into. Soon the security of this will be gone, thus leaving the question of whether he will choose to continue involving me in his life, or not.

A majority of the time, I question whether he wants me around or not, and living here got rid of that question. If only for a little while because it forced me to be here, and he did not get to choose it. When he has a choice and I am not living here, I will not be around as much, and that scares me a lot.

This has become part of my life, a part that I don't know if I am ready to let go of yet, although I try to prepare myself for it as much as possible. I don't know if I can let him go yet, I don't even have him, but it's the idea I've built up so much in my head that I need to let go of.

The reality of it is, that even though it feels great with him disappearing from this city completely, that isn't going to happen. It's a definite that he will be in some part of my life, and I need to learn to cope with whatever that situation has to be.

It makes me sad that I don't know if I will ever sleep on the Batman pillow again. I have never just hung out with him and not slept here. And I don't know if that is something I can handle yet.

I want to move on from this in my correct mind so badly, because I am afraid that I will not be able to deal with the reality of him and her. If it becomes a reality. And I have enough trouble with the in between. How can I become ready to move on? Should I even move on? What am I even moving on from? Was this a situation to ever be bothered over?

I don't know.

Even photographs don't last forever

Yesterday almost right after I wrote that blog I got a very unexpected phone call.

My friend Steff from back home in New Jersey called and asked me what my ex-boyfriend Jeff's last name was, when I told her what it was, she told me he died.

This absolutely shocked me. I still can't believe that I will never see him again. Two summers ago we were rarely seen apart. I met him at work, we quickly became best friends, and discovered we had common friends.

It's hard to believe someone you knew so well can become someone you don't know at all, until suddenly they aren't there anymore. Jeff was a very troubled guy, who definitely got mixed up in the wrong kind of drugs. And the dirtiest of all the drugs took him from this world. I always tried to do the best I could to keep him out of trouble, that's why some of his good friends and his mother loved me.

But Jeff couldn't handle that, even back then I think he was beyond repair until an accident like this happened. The Jeff I knew he became would have probably expected this to happen, but looking at old photographs of him from then until now it's hard to imagine him ever developing into a disintegrating shell of a human being.

I went back into some of my old photobucket accounts to search for the photographs of him and I. But they were all gone. I must have deleted them out of there when we were having problems. And when I lost all the information on my computer, those photos went too.

It's amazing what I think I would give back, for one more minute with this person I lost so much contact with. And how I would be relieved just to see the photos of us on the screen, even though they are vivid in my mind. Being a photographer, I think the documentation part of photography is part of why I became one, subconsciously. Somehow without thinking about it, I participate in photography to capture moments that I am afraid of losing. Probably because I have lost much, and I believe it to be a tangible way to hold onto things you can't hold onto.

Even photographs disappear. I cannot hold onto things and not live my life. I cannot just document it, and hope that it can live through that. I cannot snapshot and avoid situations. I can't let another day go by without loving fully, and making sure people that I love know that. Whether it is returned or not. I cannot lose another friend while they are here living and breathing.

I am so afraid of just skimming the surface, just existing. But that is all I am allowing myself to do. By attempting to hold onto things, I am holding myself back from life.

Jeff, I cannot say that I knew you so well, or for so long. Because I would be lying. But I can say, in the time that I knew you, I cared for you very much, and their was a moment in time when you were my confidant, my best friend. You were my work buddy, we made an awesome dish duo and had fun slacking off until they put us on seperate shifts. I am sorry that I let so much time go without speaking to you. It's amazing to think that I will never see your face again, when I am so used to it reintroducing itself when I least expected it. I hope you are in a better place, and that you are living your life up there. I will fondly remember you serving me at BK and spilling iced tea all over the floor, until and old man told you to clean it up or he would break his hip. And when we mopped the floor together, met in the hallway and you kissed me. I have much love for you, rest in peace.